Dream Vacation
by Ra-ooo
Summary: Ed and Cain switch respective worlds and chaos ensues. A completely outofcharacter comedy, please R&R! Fullmetal AlchemistCount Cain crossover
1. The New Way to Vacation

Chapter One: The New Way to Vacation

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Hey everybody! This is a Count Cain/Fullmetal Alchemist crossover fic. In other words, it will frighten and disturb you... So please post much and tell me 'nicely' what you think. If I get enough goodly posts I'll let you all read the next chapter! See you around!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or Count Cain.

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The train slowed to a stop in the station at Risenbool. The steam from the engine settled around the train like a cloud. The doors opened, and the people slowly filed out. A young man with golden green eyes in a big black coat and top hat came out among the last. He glanced around and quickly spotted the giant suit of armor holding a sign that read, "Cain Hargreaves." He went over.

"Hello," a voice echoed out of the armor. "Are you Cain?"

"Yes," Cain said. He tipped his hat to the armor. "You must be Alphonse."

"Yes! But you can call me Al." Al took Cain's hand and shook it vigorously. "It's nice to meet you! Come on. Everyone's waiting!"

Al led Cain quickly out of the station. Cain looked around as much as he could before they got to the waiting car. Everything seemed surprisingly similar to an other rural town around London. They hopped in the car and drove off. So far, Al seemed to be a nice person. Cain just hoped everyone back home was getting along with... He thought for a second. What was his name again? Oh yes. Edward Elric.

A car pulled up in front of a big manor. The car door was opened by a very tall butler with light hair and a stony expression on his face. A short, teenage boy got out. He had blonde hair in a braid and yellow eyes, and a red coat on. He looked up at the butler, and looked up and up. The butler looked down at him.

"Edward Elric, I presume?" he asked.

"Yeah," Ed said.

"Follow me." The butler led him briskly to the front doors of the manor.

"So... what's your name?" Ed asked.

"Riff, sir," the butler said.

"Riff? Well, you don't have to call me 'Sir' or anything, all right?" Ed said. Riff looked down at him, and Ed grinned.

"Very well..." Riff opened the doors and let Ed in first. The inside looked even bigger than the outside. Ed gazed all around him at the huge room, until his eyes fell on a little girl with long hair and a big fancy dress on. She was smiling at him.

"Uh... hi," Ed said.

"Hi," she said. She kept staring at him. Ed backed away slowly.

"Uh.. Ed?" Riff spoke up. "This is Merryweather, Master Cain's little sister."

"Hi!" she said again. She trotted up to Ed. "You're going to be vacationing here in my brother's place?"

"Yeah," Ed said. He noticed she was about the same height as him. "Say, how old are you?"

"I'm ten," Merryweather said. There was a long, heavy silence.

"Ed?" Riff asked. He poked Ed. "Ed? Hello?"

Al opened the door to the little house to find Winry and Pinako waiting for them.

"Hey! You're back!" Winry said, jumping up to greet them. "Nice to meet you. My name's Winry. This is my grandma, Pinako."

Cain took Winry's hand and kissed it, which nearly made her burst out laughing, but she hid it as a cough.

"So... how about I show you were you'll sleep?" Winry said. "Al, get his stuff."

She led him up to an empty room, and Al put his suitcase on the bed.

"All right," Winry said. "You can have this room while you're here, and you can come and go as you like. Al will take you around the town."

"I will?" Al asked.

"That sounds good," Cain said. "I'd like to get settled in first, though, if you don't mind."

"Not at all!" Winry said. "Our house is your house."

Winry went back downstairs, leaving Cain and Al alone.

"She's a nice girl," Cain said. Al instinctively brought his hand up to his head, the usual connection point of Winry's wrench.

"I guess," he replied. "But she can be kind of mean sometimes."

"Have you known her very long?"

"Uh-huh!" Al said. "Since as long as I can remember!"

Cain thought about that. If this was going to be anything like the other times he'd stayed at the house of a young woman, someone was probably going to die. But who...? Cain left his hat and coat on the bed, then went back downstairs.

Winry was at the table, working on something. Cain peered over her shoulder.

"What is that?" he asked.

"It's automail!" Winry declared, spinning around to present it to Cain.

"Interesting... but... what is it?"

Winry gaped. "Only the best thing in the world! It's a prosthetic limb!" Winry handed the arm she was working on to Cain. He looked at it closely.

"Oh. I see it now. And you make these?"

"Yes! Aren't they great?!"

"I suppose... But this is an interesting thing for a lady to do."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Winry asked, the smile instantly vanishing from her face.

"Nothing," Cain said quickly. Winry started smiling again.

"So what do you think?" she asked.

"I've never seen anything like it before," Cain said. "I think it's great."

Winry was exploding with joy. "Would you like one then?"

"Yes," Cain said. "That'd be a great souvenir to bring back to everyone."

"Great! An arm or a leg?"

"How about an arm?"

"Perfect!" Winry raised an axe over her head. "Hold still!"

Al came down the stairs at that moment. "Winry! No!"

He grabbed the axe from Winry. She reached up for it, but Al held it over her head. Cain was still admiring the automail arm.

"Winry, you can't cut off Cain's arm!" Al said.

"Cut off my.. What?!"

"But he said he wanted an arm..." Winry said sheepishly. Al sighed. He went and got an arm from the other room and gave it to Cain.

"Oh..." Winry said. "Why didn't you tell me?"


	2. The Doctor Is In

Chapter Two: The Doctor is In

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_ Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or Count Cain._

_Well, at least one person liked the idea. Since I've got nothing better to do, I figured I might as well update the next chapter! It's a short one, but I hope you all like it! I hope to get more reviews this time, so please post them!  
_

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Ed woke up the next morning in a huge, soft bed. The curtains were drawn across the window, so it was still dark in the room. Ed closed his eyes contentedly and pulled up the covers. The bed was so soft and warm... He wanted to stay there all day. Even if anybody else wanted him to get up, he was staying right where he was. 

The door opened quietly, and Riff came in with a tray of food. Ed pretended to be asleep, watching Riff out of the corner of his eye. Riff took one look at him and sighed. He looked kind of depressed. Ed watched as he set the tray on a little night stand beside the bed. He turned around and leaned against the night stand, and sighed again. Ed's curiosity got the better of him. He sat up and jabbed Riff hard in the back.

"Good morning!" Ed said. Riff jumped and spun around.

"Master Edward!" he said, surprised. "I didn't realize you were awake!"

"Hey, just call me Ed," Ed said.

"Oh, right," Riff said. "Here's your breakfast."

Ed sat back contentedly. "Breakfast in bed? Do you treat all your guests like this? Or just me?"

"Well, all of them," Riff said. "I do this for Master Cain every morning."

"Oh..." Ed said, his fun ruined. He took his breakfast and ate it all as Riff stood patiently by. When he was finished Riff quickly took the tray.

"Now it's time to get up," Riff said. He got a shirt from Ed's suitcase. Ed put up his hand for it, but Riff didn't move.

"What are you doing?" Ed finally asked.

"I was going to dress you," Riff said. Ed was a little weirded out.

"I can dress myself," Ed said. He took the shirt from Riff, careful not to get too close, and put it on.

"Oh..." Riff said. "Well, shall I put on your shoes for you?"

Ed chuckled. "No," he said, and put on his shoes. "I can do all this stuff myself."

"I do this for Master Cain everyday," Riff said sadly. Ed just laughed, which made Riff even more miserable.

"Like I said, I can do all of this stuff by myself," Ed said. "You don't have to do this for me, even if you had to do it for him."

"You mean, I don't have to put your shoes on?" Riff asked. "Or tie your laces? Or make your bed or even brush your teeth?"

"No," Ed said. "And I'd really appreciate if you didn't do that last one."

"Then... what should I do for you?" Riff asked.

"Absolutely nothing," Ed said.

"Nothing...?" Riff asked. He walked slowly over to the window, a far off expression on his face. "Then... I'm... Free."

He turned around with a great big smile on his face.

"I'm free!" He ran out into the hall and off through the house. "I'm free! Free!!!"

Ed stood where he was until Riff's voice faded away. Then he scratched his head and decided to take a shower.

As Riff went running through the manor he passed the front doors, and heard a knock. He stopped, caught his breath and composed himself, then, resuming his usual emotionless expression, he answered the door. He gasped when he saw who was outside.

There was a dude standing outside, wearing a long white lab coat and glasses, with his long hair pulled back. He smiled innocently.

"Dr. Jezebel," Riff growled. Jezebel tried to remember what Riff's name was.

"... You," Jezebel answered. "Hi. I'm not here to kill anyone or anything, but I was wondering if I could borrow a cup of sugar."

"I don't believe you," Riff said. "Why are you really here? What do you want? And if you're not going to kill anyone, why are you holding that scalpel?"

Jezebel quickly hid his hand and the scalpel behind his back. "Because... I was... just... cleaning my nails!" He started picking under his nails with the scalpel, wearing a big grin. "Now how about that sugar? A big cup. Please??"

Very reluctantly, Riff let Jezebel in.

"I'm going to have to get the sugar from the kitchen," Riff started, "and since I don't trust you in here alone, I'm going to have to tie you to that pillar by the door."

Riff pulled a long rope out of nowhere, and when he had finish tying Jezebel up tighter than necessary, he went off to the kitchen. He remembered something, and went back to Jezebel.

"I'm taking this with me," Riff said, taking Jezebel's scalpel. Then he left.

Ed, fresh out of the shower, was walking around, drying his hair off, when he passed by the front door and Jezebel. They stared at each other for a while.

"Fascinating," Jezebel said. "Why is your arm and leg so shiny and metallic?"

"Why are you all tied up?" Ed asked.

"Because Riff went to slip into something more comfortable, and he doesn't want me to run away," Jezebel said. "I don't believe we've met. My name is Jezebel Disraeli. It's very nice to meet you."

"I'm Edward Elric," Ed said. "The Fullmetal Alchemist!" He flexed his metal arm. Jezebel had no idea what he was talking about, so he just nodded and smiled.

"Say," Jezebel started. "Would you untie me? Riff can be very mean, you know... and I don't want to be all tied up when he comes back..." Jezebel put on a sad puppy face, which really had no effect on Ed. He just shrugged.

"Sure, I'll untie you," he said, and he transmuted his arm into a blade, which truly freaked out Jezebel, then he cut through the ropes.

"What was that?" Jezebel asked.

"That was alchemy," Ed said.

"Hmm..." Jezebel said to himself, "Delilah should know about this..."

"Who?" Ed asked.

"Oh! Uhhh... my.. Girlfriend!" Jezebel said. "Now, you'd better run along. Little boys don't need to see Riff being mean to me."

He shooed Ed away, then snuck off with an evil laugh. He came back about five minutes later, shortly followed by Riff through a different door. Riff dropped the big cup of sugar he was holding at the sight of Jezebel untied. Jezebel dove for the sugar and just barely saved it.

"Don't drop this!" Jezebel yelled. "I need this!"

"How did you get untied!?" Riff demanded. Jezebel stood up and straightened out his coat, cleared his throat and fixed his hair.

"I don't know," he said. "Thanks for the sugar, sugar." He winked, which made Riff very angry, then he ran out of the manor.


	3. Sin Revisited

Chapter Three: Sin Revisited

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_Here's chapter three, so if you want to read the next chapter, post for it! I'll put up the next one after four posts for it, and only if you want to read the next chapter. See you around. _

_Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or Count Cain.  
_

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Al and Cain walked through the streets of Risenbool. Cain was enjoying his stay, Al was talking about this and that, and all was right with the world. They stopped at a little café to get something to drink. Al was looking at the menu, though nobody to this day knows why. Cain let his eyes wander around the scene. They fell on a little souvenir stand across the street, where someone was bent over the merchandise, pondering over which to buy. 

Al looked up from his menu at Cain, who was still gazing absently at the souvenir stand and the person in front. Al looked over and suddenly jumped to his feet, sending his chair flying back and making a crowd of people look over.

"Envy!" Al cried.

"Envy of what?" Cain asked.

"No! That's Envy!"

"That person's envious? Of what?"

"No!! That's his name!"

"_His _name? That is clearly a woman. She's wearing a skirt. And her hair is very long."

"No!! Cain, we have to get out of here!"

"Calm down, Al," Cain said. He stood up. "We'll go. Just calm down."

Cain started walking on the sidewalk, but Al grabbed his hand and ran. His loud, clunking armor caught Envy's attention. He looked up and quickly spotted the giant suit of armor running down the street. He sniggered evilly as a plan formed in his mind.

"I'll take that one," Envy said. He payed the souvenir man for a little sheep key chain, then left.

Al went running down to the river, dragging Cain behind him.

"Wait..." Cain panted. "Slow down... I can't run anymore..."

They stopped in the grass by the river and Cain fell over, panting for breath. Al looked around carefully.

"We should be safe here," he said.

"Safe from what..?" Cain panted.

"Envy," Al replied.

"Envy of.. Oh wait. Never mind," Cain said. "Who is this Envy person, anyways? And why in the world would someone name their child 'Envy'?"

"He's not really a person," Al answered. "He's a homunculus, so it's okay to name him something weird like Envy. But he's evil! He's.."

"The best thing since yo momma jokes!" came Envy's voice, and he fell from the sky and landed in front of them. He stood up tall and grinned evilly, looking for all the world like the most evil person who ever lived, except for the little sheep key chain on his skirt.

"Are you sure that's not a woman?" Cain whispered to Al.

"Well, no," Al answered. "But he does have a flat chest. And all the other homunculi and everyone else I know say he's a guy. It's best to say Envy's a guy, so we don't confuse anyone."

"Where's short stuff?" Envy asked. "I saw you running away, I figured he was just hidden under the crowds."

"Brother's on vacation!" Al answered angrily.

"Vacation?" Envy asked. "And he went without you? Are you two getting a divorce? That is the saddest thing I've ever seen."

Al growled at him. Envy looked Cain over carefully.

"And who's this?" he asked. "Your new husband? Tired of having to put your face to the ground to look Fullmetal in the eyes?"

"Stop teasing my brother!" Al yelled. "He's only here on vacation in Ed's place!"

"Oh really?" Envy asked. He strolled up to them and stood in front of Cain. Al braced himself, but Cain stood calmly where he was. You could almost feel the nonchalance radiating off of them.

"So, what do they call you?" Envy asked.

"Cain," Cain replied. "But you may address me as Count Cain."

"Tough guy, huh?" Envy remarked. "We'll see just how tough you are when I'm through with you. You'll be crying like a baby."

Cain smirked. "You'll be eating those words."

Envy leapt back with a laugh and Al got ready to fight. Cain just stayed where he was.

"We'll see how tough you are against... this!"

To Cain and Al's horror, Envy pulled a puppy out from behind his back. He held it out at arm's length, letting them get a good look at it. It whimpered pitifully.

"Look at this poor little puppy I found all alone in an alley," Envy said. "It was so sad and lonely, I just had to take it with me."

The puppy looked them right in the eyes and whimpered. Al fell to his knees.

"No...!" he gasped. "No!" Cain didn't crack, but he kept his composure with noticeable difficulty.

"And I think the wittle puppy hurt his wittle paw," Envy said. He placed the puppy on the ground, and it took a few steps with one paw raised. It looked right at Al and whimpered.

"No!!!" Al cried. He pounded the ground with his fist. Cain's lip quivered.

"I can't cry," he said. "I took a manly oath when I was young that I'd never cry again."

"I can't cry either!" Al said.

"You took a manly oath, too?"

"No, I'm a suit of armor. I just can't cry."

The puppy took a few steps towards Envy, who, to everyone's utter horror, picked up a rock and threw it at the ground near the puppy.

"Shoo!" Envy yelled. "Scat!" The puppy yelped and scampered away, then tripped on its hurt paw and fell.

"NO!!!!!" Al yelled.

"I can't take any more of this," Cain said. His lip quivered and his eyes were misty. "We have to do something!"

He had barely finished his sentence when Al jumped to his feet and charged at Envy, ramming him with his shoulder. Envy was knocked back on the ground a few feet, wounded by Al's spikes. Then Al drew a circle on the ground, made a machine gun, and fired at Envy for nearly five minutes. When his gun was out of ammo, Al knelt down beside the little puppy and carefully scooped it up.

"Don't worry," he said. "You're safe now." He put the puppy in his armor, then turned back to Envy. Cain sauntered up beside Al.

"Well," he said. "I'm glad that's over."

"It's not over yet," Al said. Envy got to his feet.

"Oh, no. There's more?"

"I'm afraid so."

"More puppies?"

"What? No! More Envy!"

"Envy of what?"

Al sighed. Envy brushed himself off and looked back at them, wearing his evil grin to show how uninjured he was.

"Al, maybe you shouldn't hit women like that, then shoot them with machine guns for nearly five minutes," Cain said. "She may smile like it didn't hurt, but a woman's feelings can be easily hurt, even if they don't have any cuts."

"...What...?" Envy asked. "Are you... Did you just... call me... a _woman?_"

"Well, yes," Cain said. Al was shocked at Cain's nerve. "Even if everyone calls you a man, you still look just like a woman. You have long hair."

"Lots of guys have long hair!" Envy yelled.

"True... okay, I'll give you that," Cain said. "But you're still wearing a skirt. Not many men wear skirts.."

"It's not a skirt!" Envy yelled, pulling at his skirt. Cain just shrugged and looked up at Al.

"She's not as dangerous as you made her out to be," Cain said. "Why don't we go back to the house? I'm starting to get hungry."

Cain started to walk away. Al looked at Cain, then back at Envy, then back at Cain and ran after him. Envy stood where he was, not believing what had just taken place. He slowly looked down at his skirt.

"It is not a skirt," he mumbled to himself.


End file.
